Log in

No account? Create an account
14 November 2008 @ 06:43 pm
ff post (for communities)  
like a hard rain

Being gay is the worst. Being pedo AND gay is even worse. Sigh.

“Hikari-chan? May you share your rice with me, please?”

Such a cute smile. Oh my god, I felt like fainting. When did that start? I mean, strange feelings coming up for him?
But I wasn’t gay and I wasn’t pedo at all. Just desperate. 17 years old and never had a girlfriend in my life. That sucks! All of the other BEST members had gone out with girls before, everyone except –
‘Hikari-chan’ (He shouldn’t call me like that because I begin to like it!).
And he, uber-cute Chii-chan used to sit on ‘I had girlfriends and you hadn’t’ Takaki, Yabu and Daikis laps. What the hell made him sit on mine?

But it wasn’t his fault. Innocent as he was, he wouldn’t dare thinking about something… well… perverted…. at all.

“Of course we can share, Chii-chan” I answered in an extraordinary soft voice.

But him sitting on my lap made me feel… good somehow. Proud and somewhat excited. “Look, I’ve got some strawberries today. You can have all of them, okay?” Okay I shouldn’t have said that. The word strawberry was something like a signal for Yamada.

“I hate you.”

Death glare. Why? If you would have sit on my lap instead I would have fallen in love with you perhaps. Sigh again.
And why was Daiki laughing now?
“You can have some, too, Yama-chan.” I quickly invented to calm him down.

“Yes of course! Yama-chan can have all the strawberries because he’s really in love with them. Thank you Hikari, but I think I prefer apples today!” Chinen smiled, jumped off and went away to the others. He didn’t even help me finish the rice. How sad, ne?

It became quiet in one of Jimusho’s living rooms because there were only the three of us left. Yamada eating my strawberries which had been dedicated to Chinen, Daiki sitting on one of the armchairs half-heartedly watching TV, me emptying my plate.

“Why did he sit on my lap today? And yesterday and the day before as well?” I looked at Daiki. I hardly could stop me from asking if he didn’t feel envious about that.
Daiki grinned.
“You are really wondering about that, right? I’ve noticed that. Do you feel uncomfortable having that cute little child sitting on you?”
Woha, Daiki! Couldn’t you have called him just ‘boy’ instead of ‘cute little child’??
“Oh no, that’s not what it is. It’s just…” I suddenly felt an urge to talk about those strange feelings I neither can interpret nor deny. I looked at Yamada, but he didn’t seem to be listening. He was just enjoying his dessert and started to watch TV as well.

“I don’t really know. I think I should just get myself a girlfriend and have children, haha!” And that’s what I really thought could be the reason.
“A girlfriend, okay. But children – not now!” Daiki was shaking his head, looking a little perplexed.
“But I’m not a pedo or anything, if you think that!” Saying so made me suspect though.
“Well, I don’t think you are, don’t worry. Hikaru…” Daiki looked at me as if he felt pity for me. Maybe because I really looked like a pitiful idiot at the moment.
“I think I’m much more pedo than you are, Hikaru. Yama-chan? Come to me…”

Yamada looked up, stood up and went to Daiki. Daiki then wrapped his arms around the younger boy and kissed him on the cheek. I looked at them with both fascination and indignation.

“Are you a couple or what?” I asked with eyes wide and mouth half-opened. Daiki laughed.
“Not at all, Baka-chan. I just wanted to show you that caressing a friend and feeling good while doing that is nothing to feel ashamed about. You just shouldn’t think about it too much!”

“Hm, kay…” I didn’t know what else to say. But observing them like I did right now made me feel even stranger. Did I feel envious? Because I wanted Chinen to be by my side, to kiss his cheek, too? But I didn’t think that this was envy. It was jealousy and whoot the hell I don’t know why. I felt like a 13-year-old girl, having her first period. Oh my gosh.

“I am leaving now… see you guys tomorrow, ne?” A small grin, a peace-sign. Why Daiki had to kiss Yama-chan again, I wondered. And again.

“Oh!” Daiki suddenly stopped but continued playing with Yamada’s hair. “You go? Well, see you! Have a nice evening.” He smiled.
I had to gulp harder than usuall.
“Yeah, I hope so! Bye bye!”
Yamada smiled at me, not angry anymore and then I left the room, caring a small bag I had brought with me. They would have to clean my plate and glass, but since I was the one to do stuff like this everyday, it was okay to leave it to them once in a while.

Being outside made me feel much better. It was already night, a starless night to be precise. I soon managed it to forget about little Chinen, about Daiki and Yamada behaving like a couple, about the afternoon band practise. I had planned to take the next train home, but as I walked through the park which was part of my way to the station, I suddenly stopped myself and sat down on a bench near one of the park’s entrances. I don’t know how long I’d been sitting there when it suddenly started to rain. Sigh.

And? I didn’t care. I wasn’t in the mood to stand up and walk to the station. Suddenly I heard someone running into my direction. The person didn’t see me, but passed by.

Daiki? Was that…

And then it dropped down, the unknown silhouette of a person.
I got up.

“Are you okay?” I walked towards the person, who seemed to get up very slowly. I crouched beside him. As I thought, it was Daiki.

“You silly thing, why are you running in the rain??” I helped him. He was the pitiful one now.
“Ah. That hurts! I just… just wanntedtogetmy…” He couldn’t help, but started to cry.
“Idiot, you!” I bit my lower lip and lead him to the bench from before. The rain was getting heavier.
“My left foot hurts.” He wailed. I also realized that he was shivering. Silently I began to take my jacket off and wrapped his shoulders with it.
“Yamada confessed his feelings to me.”

“What? You are joking!” I was laughing at him. “What feelings, by the way?”
Daiki looked at me as if he didn’t know whether to cry about his hurt foot, about the hard rain or about the news he had just announced.
“Oh, you know what I mean don’t you? He told me that he likes me, Hikaru!” He seemed to get angry, but changed his mind and just sighed.
“Oh, and I like you, too! And Yamada, too.” I didn’t understand him-- maybe because I didn’t want to.

“It’s senseless talking to you about this. Forget it ‘kay?” he tried to stand up, but it was a pathetic “Ouch” that caught my attention again. “You can’t even stand on your own feet? This is bad…” I got up to lend him my shoulder.

“Just hang on!” I told him and we started to head towards the station. It must have been almost 8 ‘o’ clock.
“Damn, this rain is killing us!” I giggled. “Where do you live Daiki? I’ve never been to your house before and if you told me about it once I must have forgotten.”
“Well… my current home is not that far, it’s just… you have to change trains, ne…?” I understood immediately.

“You can stay at my house if you want to.” I suggested. “It’s really close and I have a guestroom, it’s no problem.” He looked at me in confusion.
“That wasn’t my intention at all!”
Oh, wasn’t it? Too bad. I think I had to take him with me anyway – he could hardly walk and someone would have to call a doctor – he’s a dancer after all.
“It’s better staying at my house than staying at yours. You would be so lonely, Daiki-chan.”

Okay, why did I always have to change my mind? Daiki was stupid, coming up with this confessing story, right? (I think I’m right!)

Two boys strongly resembling wet cats after being out in the rain arrived at my house about 20 minutes later. Thank God Daikis foot wasn't hurting anymore. (Insert sentence for context =3) (“Be careful, water is slippery!” “Hikaru…” “What? You were the suffering one on our way here, I’m just worried!”) As I was waiting for him, I thought about what he had told me before. What the hell! I had to ask him about that again.

Another five minutes plus my having-a-shower-time later…
Both of us sitting on the sofa in my room, in front of the TV.

“Daiki… so, Yamada confessed his feelings to you? I’m really sorry to annoy you again, but… you don’t mean… you cannot mean… he told you he wants to go out with you or something like that?”
“Oh, I think you COULD be right…” Ouch. What a ferocious voice.
“No way! It just… It can’t be! He’s a child… how childish is he?” I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.
Yamada confessing his love to Daiki. That was… ridiculous!

“Don’t call it childish, Hikaru! It’s actually very brave! You wouldn’t have the guts to confess to the person you love, would you? Perhaps because there’s no such person.” Now he was the laughing one.

That was mean. That hurt!
And to be true. Chinen… I was the one who had been thinking about being gay and pedo at the same time. Did I have the rights to joke about Yamada’s confession?
Iit was like alcoholics complaining about other alcoholics. I didn’t want to behave like that.

“I… I’m sorry. You’re right, it is brave.” Dear god. Imagining Chinen confessing to me made me feel mad for a second or two.
“So… what did you answer? Do you like him, too? Man, I didn’t think one of us would turn out to be gay…” Yamada least of all.

“I kind of... wasn’t able to say anything.” He looked at me, and I looked at him in return. He then leaned backwards, head against the backrest.
“I just took my things, pretending to have realized that I was late for my train… and ran away. So stupid. But I didn’t know what to say. It’s not that I don’t like him. I just don’t know if I like him... the way he likes me. Hikaru, I don’t know what to do now. I think I can’t face him anymore!”
Poor Daiki. I placed my hand on his knee.

“You know… what I was talking about before. That I’m not a pedo and everything… and about Chinen’s behaviour…” I turned my eyes down. “The truth is that he really makes me thoughtful. Makes me think about… what I really want, ne? I mean, I don’t know… it could be because I've never had a girlfriend but… I sort of think that I began to like Chinen.. That’s abnormal, isn’t it? But since you were telling me something important, I thought I’d... oh well… I just need somebody to talk to, also, I guess...”

“Hikaru…” He looked at me as if I were a Venus or something.
“You think… I mean you could... imagine yourself falling in love with a boy? To be honest, I've thought about it as well. Falling for a guy… falling for Yamada.” My mouth went open. He must have thought about being with Yamada before the younger had asked him today. He actually liked him as well? Or not liked him, loved him?

I don’t know why, but it hurt somehow. Why was Yamada popular like this, even among us band members?

“You’ve never kissed a guy, right?”
Daiki! What kind of a question was that?
“Well, no…” I rarely kissed girls so far, so why should I have kissed a guy?
“Hm… me neither...” He looked at me and I began realize something. The two of us were sitting alone on my couch… wasn’t that a great chance to find out about kissing other boys? It most definitely was. I put on my most dangerous smile – the smile that shows I’m plotting something… (Something stupid to be precise…)

“Daiki… chan? Wanna kiss me just to try? Since we are confused about the same thing.” I started to approach him slowly.
“Hikaru! Don’t joke like that!” He raised an eyebrow.
“I’m not joking! I think we should give it a try… If we’re both successful we could kiss Yamada and Chinen tomorrow, okay?”
“Successful? How could we be successful or not..?”
“I don’t know! Let’s find it out!”

I didn’t want to talk anymore. Now I was curious. I laid my hand on his neck.
“Ready?” I asked, while looking into his big brown eyes. I suddenly started to feel nervous. What if my idea was a bad one? I wasn’t gay… I wasn’t, right?
“I… don’t know…” He seemed to be afraid.
“It won’t hurt! Let’s just… do it…”

My last words. Forever?
My lips met his lips slowly, very slowly and very carefully. Wow, his lips were so soft. I closed my eyes, trying to close my brain as well for the moment. We just stayed that way for a moment, doing nothing. I then realized that his lips were quivering…

I didn’t want him to be afraid. Although I felt like dieing of edginess I searched for his hands and took them in my own.

I skimmed his lips with my tongue after a while. God, what was I doing?
Daiki began to part his lips shyly. Should I have gone on?
My tongue definitely wanted to…
Our tongues met in his mouth and the sweet contact made my flesh crawl.


What was that? My heartbeat sped up.
The soft and shy but still intimate kiss became more and more passionate. I felt like dieing and living at the same time. Daiki…
I pulled him closer, let go of his hands and locking him in my arms instead.
Our play was so innocent, so new, so… thrilling.
Our tongues played, our lips stroked each other.

We could hardly separate, but we both needed to breath.
“Daiki… that was...” Yeah, what was it?


I blushed. He didn’t say a word, but I swear he was shivering a little. I took my arms off him, regretting it immediately as he stood up and walked away from me. He looked outside the window.

“What a hard rain…”
I bit my lower lip.

"What was that…? Did you feel it… as well?“ I asked in a low voice.
“… Daiki?”

No answer.

“Daiki… chan?”

I stood up and joined him in front of the window. I turned my head to look at him. It didn’t seem as if he had heard me.
“Nani? What’s wrong?” He tried to smile at me, but failed. “What did you say?”

Oh, well… “Nothing. Forget it.” I smiled. “So… did you find out if you like kissing boys or not?” I managed to act in a casual, neutral way, as if we had just been standing here, watching the rain for hours.

“I… I don’t know. I mean, yes, possibly…”
No way! Could he have wanted to try it again? It would have been okay with me. Well, actually more than okay…
“I mean, it is different from kissing girls, but it… it’s not bad.” He blushed.
Not bad? “Oh, I don’t think I’m that good of a kisser, you know, but if you liked it even a little I’m sure you’ll love Yamada’s kiss, haha…” My throat went dry and I had to cough.
He didn’t say anything.

“Let’s go to bed now. You can take my bed, I’ll sleep on the futon instead. What about your foot by the way?”

It took another 15 minutes until I was able to turn the lights off. Finally lying on the futon, I had to think about what had happened before. Daiki and me, kissing. The thought made me mad, just mad.

Mad at him.

But… what about Chinen? And Yamada? Not to mention Daiki himself, who didn’t even know if he really liked our kiss. But still… I had liked it.
In fact, I had loved it. He was such a skilled kisser, maybe because he had loads of experience. Or maybe because of my lack of experience?
I could hear him moving a little. I wondered if my bed was comfortable enough for him. “Dai-chan? Are you sleeping?”


“Hm. I can’t seem to sleep either. This futon isn't very comfortable…” I grinned.
“I’m sorry, Hikaru. Do you want to change places with me? I really don't mind.”
“No no, it’s okay, I’ll get used to it.”

The truth was, I wanted to try something again. I waited another few minutes until I started to get rid off my blanket and stood up. After that I walked towards my bed.

“Is there any space left?” I whispered in a soft voice.
He didn’t answer, but I could hear him shift a little. I took it as a ‘yes’ and set down beside him. I waited a few seconds.

“Let’s share the blanket, then?” He lifted it for me. I blushed.

“Kay… thanks...” I became nervous. What kind of a plan was this again? Hikaru, Hikaru. You should think before you act!
I laid myself down beside him and he carefully covered me with the blanket.
“May I touch you? I mean, touch you a little?” I felt like freezing.

“You don’t have to ask…” He answered. “Stupid boy.”
“Sorry…” Slowly, yet carefully, I touched his arm with one of my hands and began to stroke it. His skin was so soft! I could feel my heartbeat speed up again.

‘How does that feel?’ was what I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t. I was too excited and too afraid of the answer. I could feel his flesh crawl and I liked that. Daiki didn’t say a word, perhaps he didn’t know what to say – or perhaps he wanted to pretend sleeping. I went on for a few minutes and after that just locked him in my arms.

“Sleep well my dear~” I smiled.

It was the sun who woke us up the next morning.
Wait, the sun…?
“Hell noooo…!” I realized it immediately. The alarm clock hadn’t rung – I’d totally forgotten to set it.

It took me a few seconds to realize that Daiki was lying beside me. “Eh…” I began to remember and blush slowly. Thank god I didn’t have the time to really think about it.

“Daiki! Wake up… get up! Damn, we’re so late, it’s already half past 11!” Our dance practice would have had begun at… half past 11.
“They’re going to kill us, I’m sure…!”
Fortunately it didn’t take us that much time to get ready, to swallow something eatable and to get on a train. It was 11.45 when we finally entered the building.

A few censored sentences from our dance teachers and band mates later, I was pretty sure that nobody cared anymore, since both of us were trying their best to get the new dance. *cough*

To be honest, I wasn’t really able to concentrate on the dance. I was asking myself, what was going on in my life? Or should I say: What was going wrong?
At first I watched Chinen, then Daiki (I had the strong feeling that he was watching me as well), then Chinen again. I knew on the one hand that I liked Chinen, and that I had thought about having feelings for him yesterday. Those thoughts seemed so childish now. But on the other hand there was Daiki…

Our teacher announced a short break and I just sat down on the ground. Takaki joined me. “What’s wrong, Hikaru? You don’t seem to be in a good mood today… is it because you were late?”
“It isn’t. It’s just… I don’t know.” I shrugged.

Chinen soon came to join us. I expected him to sit in my lap again, nervous already. But he sat down on Takaki instead. What an unfaithful child… I smiled and miraculously enough, I wasn’t jealous at all.
“You know what is going on between Yamada-kun and Daiki-kun, right?” he asked suddenly, gazing innocently up at me.
“Erm… what do you mean?” I pretended to be clueless and raised my eyebrows. “I thought you’d know because Daiki would have told you. I only heard Yamada confessing to him yesterday. That’s strange, isn’t it? A boy confessing to a boy.” He grinned.

“Anyway, they have just left the room, you see. I think Daiki may confess to him now, but I don’t know. I just wanted you to know that, someone told me to tell you that…”

It felt as if someone tried to squeeze my heart, when Chinen told me that Daiki could be confessing his love to Yamada right now. Who the hell wanted Chinen to tell me that? I got up instantly.

“Ah. I’m sorry, I have to go…” And I left them without waiting for their response.

Daiki… how could he? I mean… yes, he thought that I had feelings for Chinen, and maybe he’d really found out about his true feelings for Yamada, but…
I liked Daiki. Not Chinen. How stupid had I been? Chinen was cute, but… I didn’t feel that longing inside of every part of me I felt for Daiki. I had liked Daiki for a long time as one of my best friends and now… now I wanted him to be more than just a friend. I was convinced.

When I had finally found the room both of them were standing inside, I realized that I hadn’t made it in time. They were facing each other, smiling.

Something broke.
My heart?
No, my necklace I had clasped. “Shit…” They started looking at me. Couldn’t they just go away?

“Hikaru-kun… I was about to leave.” Yamada’s voice.
“Please… take care of Daiki-kun, okay?”
He walked toward me, looked at me, and then walked off quickly.
I was confused. What was the reason for his reaction? I looked at Daiki.
“Congratulations. You finally confessed, huh…?” I could hardly manage it to speak properly.
A deep sadness had just begun to overtake me.

“What? No...” I could hear Daiki move a little closer. What did he mean?

“You finally came, huh?”

I looked up at him. He was smiling at me.
“Can’t you guess? I refused him. I just asked him to stay my friend.”

My eyes widened a little. “Oh.”
“Stupid boy, here you go again!” he shook his head as if he was deadly amused but pretended to be absolutely serious. And then he came to embrace me, without me asking or anything!

“I hope you prefer me. Since Chinen is still a child and you’re not pedo.” “And since you’re a girl, compared to Chinen?” Yatta, my humour was back again.

This love came suddenly, as sudden as yesterday’s rain. Like a hard rain, a rain which is able to wipe everything else away.

“I want you to be my boyfriend Daiki. Although you look rather like a girlfriend.” I confessed to him, seriously.
“Stupid...” I didn’t let him offend me again. I covered his soft lips with mine and closed my eyes. We enjoyed the kiss while I searched for his hand and took it in mine. God, thank you this time!
As we stood there, kissing each other, both of us knew that we would never have to miss it again.


“So cute~! I’m envious” Takaki smiled while watching the kissing boys. Then he turned to Chinen beside him. “By the way, who told you to tell Hikaru about Daiki and Yamada leaving the room?”

Chinen looked at the older one, slightly confused.
“That’s what I think is a bit strange. It was Daiki who told me…” He grinned.
Takaki nodded as if he understood. “I see, I see.”

“Takaki-kun? I’m sorry I have to go now. You can go on watching them without me.” “Where do you go, Chii-chan?”
“Oh, Yamada must be a little sad. I mean, he doesn’t seem sad and tries to seem strong, but I’m sure he is sad inside.” He took a deep breath.
“I’ve got something for him!” Then he went away, smiling.

“I don’t want to go on watching them. Tss…” He turned away to go back to their practice room.
“Envious?” A voice behind him.
“Eh? Yabu…”
“Nobody wants to kiss Takaki, neeeee….?” He smiled and put one arm around Takaki’s waist.
“Let’s go!”
keeconkkeeconk on November 15th, 2008 05:58 am (UTC)
i actually really like the story.. hikadaiki is one of my favourite pairings..

love it so much.. and i really like the way u started the fic with Being gay is the worst. Being pedo AND gay is even worse. Sigh.

that line already stole my heart the moment i read it..
added this to memories..
Susanne: Yamada Chinenshinyasama on November 15th, 2008 07:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you <333

Haha, I made a funny dork out of Hikaru DX
But I'm glad you liked it! :)
tenten_kuntenten_kun on November 15th, 2008 10:18 am (UTC)
nee..so cute **
that was great XDD
Susanne: Jun smileshinyasama on November 15th, 2008 07:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much <333
dandreyrul on October 31st, 2011 03:59 pm (UTC)
keep posting like this it’s really very good idea, you are awesome!